These last couple of months have been seriously hectic for us.  Within two weeks we went through two house moves, we moved into our new flat and my parents moved into a beautiful new house.  It was literally non stop for those two weeks and even now things are still not settled down fully.  We are now living in the center of a small town in what is technically called a flat but in truth it is a full blown house.  It covers two floors, has it's own entrance, two bedrooms, a massive kitchen and a sweet little yard area with room for me to grow my own herbs and flowers.  Now that we have been here for over a month we are really happy living here and can see ourselves here for a long time.  Mark can get to work so much easier with the bus stop being just over the road, most every shop you can think of is within walking distance. 

It was my 23rd birthday in April and we celebrated by having my aunt down for a few days which I loved.  I got some lavender and a thyme plant for our new garden , two cookery books, a tea set belonging to my great-grandad and my parents treated me to a day at the salon getting my hair done.  I had about eight inches taken off and now have a cute layered bob hairstyle which is so much easier to manage!  This was hopefully my last fat birthday and yes, I did indulge in a bit of cake but I tried to be good!

Panic seems to be setting into me recently.  I think it was easier to cope when I was going through all the tests because I knew exactly what was happening and what would be happening next.  Now it seems like I don't know anything anymore, I just have to wait for a letter to drop through the door with my date and I will be thrown straight into the final countdown.  I wish I could take a look a year from now and see whether the operation is going to be a success.  I keep worrying that my health will be worse after the operation, that I will be unhappy, that I may not lose weight, that I could die.  My mind is just a swirling hurricane of thoughts, both good and bad.  My depression has been worse recently but I guess that could just be the stress at the moment and I seem to be plagued by nightmares and anxiety in the night.  Sometimes in my dreams I can feel the pain of the surgery and it frightens me.  My eyes have been opened through all these tests and I've realized that I'm actually a lot stronger and more resilient that I had been giving myself credit for but there is still the worry that I won't be able to cope in hospital.  I have gone from being the most needlephobic person I know to someone who will calmly sit in the phlebotomist's chair, offer my arm and shut myself off from the world but I could still go off the rails.  Are they going to treat me well in hospital?  Will they be short tempered with my fears?  Will they just treat me like a piece of meat on the operating table or will I be treated with dignity?  All these questions and no answers, it feels like I'm going insane.

I just want to know that everything is going to be okay.  I just want to know that this is worth it.  I've trawled the internet for before and after pictures and stories and I've read hundreds of them, I know what this surgery can do for people.  I know that it can change lives.  I just want to know that it will change mine for the better.  I'm not thinking of backing out, I just think I've reached that awful point of panic because the time is nearing.  Is anyone even reading this?  Does anyone else know how I'm feeling right now?  I guess I just need to get myself back on a positive track and bear in mind that this is something that I want, and have wanted, for a long time.