When I found out that I was going to have to stop taking my Cerazette due to the uncertainty of the reliability post-op, I was really disappointed and quite frightened.  I have been taking it for years and it took ages to settle on a pill that was right for me, suddenly I'm told I need to change contraception and I was not sure which route to go down.  After several evenings of intensive research, I decided that the Nexplanon contraceptive implant was the right one for me.  Amazingly, the implant lasts for three years and then can either be removed after this point or replaced with a new one.  So last Thursday I made my way to my GP surgery to get it fitted.  As you know, I am not a fan of needles and so I was pretty nervous, completely unaware of how much it was going to hurt during and after.  I was invited into the treatment room and I had to complete a consent form and give a few basic details of menstrual history.  I was then taken over to the bed and as I am right handed it was decided that the implant would go into my left arm.  I laid on the bed with my arm raised and crooked slightly, the doctor swabbed my arm with antiseptic and then drew a marker where she was going to put the implant.  As the local anesthetic was drawn up I turned away and tried to take my mind off the procedure.  "This is the worst part," the doctor said.  I laboured my breathing expecting sharp stabbing pain but nothing came!  I asked her if she had put the anesthetic in yet and she had already done it, I didn't even feel a scratch!  Next she tested to see if I was numb and within seconds the implant was fitted.  I could not believe how utterly painless the procedure was, I did not feel a single sharp pain during the whole thing.  The doctor let me feel that the implant was in place and then I had to sign the waiver again to say I could feel it.  A nurse came and wrapped up my arm, I was given a credit card with details of where the implant was situated and when it needed removed and off I went.  Fantastic!  I've now had it in for over a week and other than a small amount of bruising it is completely fine.  It's rather strange feeling a plastic rod in your arm but trust me you get used to it and it's been a bit of a party trick!

Tuesday was my appointment at the hospital for my final pre-op assessment.  I ended up being half an hour late due to horrendous traffic but thankfully no one was bothered.  A nurse weighed me and took my height, this is becoming second nature to me now, and I was taken into a side room.  It felt like she asked me one thousand and one questions while I was in there, checking them off on her computer screen and then she did my blood pressure and pulse.  Because of all the rushing around both were higher than normal but still within normal range.  Next came the most dreaded part of the day, blood taking.  After prodding at my arm for about ten minutes she thought she could feel a vein in my right arm, I looked away and hoped beyond hope that she would get it first time and amazingly she did.  After one whole vial and a dribble in the second, the vein burst and would give no more blood so I was pricked a couple of more times and then she gave up and said I should go down to blood taking where they may be able to find another vein.  A young doctor came in and examined my tummy, checked under my arms for lumps, listened to my chest and then declared me perfectly fit for surgery, wonderful!  A urine sample was required so I trotted off to a toilet and began the awkward process of aiming my pee into a tiny pot, men have got it so easy!  After I was done in the pre-op assessment I went down to blood taking expecting another vein fiasco but the nurses down there are so experienced they got me first time with no pain at all.

The last thing I was given at the end of the appointment was a sharps container and a handful of leaflets and an instructional DVD so I can administer my Fragmin injection the day before surgery.  Fragmin is a blood thinner and will hopefully stop me from getting blood clots whilst in hospital and after the surgery.  I was given the option of coming into hospital the day before and having it done for me by a nurse but I much preferred doing it myself at home.  Mark and me watched the DVD and we feel pretty confident that we will be able to do it ourselves and we had a laugh at how cheesy the video was!  I will post up a photo of the Fragmin injection a week on Sunday so you can have a look.

Tomorrow will be my last day of proper food before my pre-op diet!  How crazy that the two week countdown starts so soon, time is going to go be gone before we know it and then I'll be all done and dusted.  I'm still really nervous about the surgery, I would be mad not to be, but I feel a lot more comfortable with my decision than I thought I would be.  I will keep you updated during the milk diet and let you know how it's going.  I will leave you with a picture of my terribly bruised arm after the blood test!  Note: three days later and I now have a rainbow of colours on my arm and it looks like I was in a pretty bad fight!

I can't believe it but today I got a call from the hospital letting me know I am going to be having my surgery on June 10th.  It's almost as though my mind knew what was coming and that's why I had such a panic yesterday.  I have an appointment for my pre-op check at the end of this month where they will double check that I'm fit enough for surgery, they might take bloods and will also teach me to self-inject the Fragmin injections to thin my blood and prevent blood clots.  I am going to start the milk diet on the 26th of May so that gives me two weeks and one day to shrink my liver, I thought I would add the extra day seeing as I will be fasting on the day of the surgery. 

I'll be completely honest, when the phone rang today I'm sure I knew deep down this was it.  I have caller ID and usually if a call comes through as a withheld number I will ignore it because it's usually those pesky PPI cold-callers.  Today though I had a feeling that I needed to answer it, I went completely cold when the woman on the other end started talking about dates.  The second I put the phone down I burst into hysterical tears and called Mark to let him know.  He's such a sweet man, he just kept comforting me and telling me that this is what I want and although it's scary it is for the best.  He has booked the surgery day off work, as has my dad and my mum will be with them, I know from experience that waiting for someone in surgery is the hardest part.  When my mum has been ill in the past and in surgery those seven or eight hours can feel like days and if they aren't out exactly when you expected them to be you start to imagine the worst.  It's going to be hard for them, I'm sure, but I know they will stick together and help each other get through it.  I guess I have the easy job, I just have to go for a little snooze!

I called my bariatric nurse today to check whether I will still be able to keep taking my anti-depressants and my contraceptive pill and unfortunately I will have to lose the pill and go on to another form of contraception.  Apparently after surgery because of the malabsorption the pill isn't as effective.  I'm a little bit narked because it took me so long to settle on a pill that helped with my PMT and now I have to start all over again, I may book a visit to the family planning clinic to see what options are available to me.  Just a note, I am not planning on having sex soon after the operation!!!  I just want to keep my periods the way they are and my PMT under control!

My mum and sister came over for a visit this afternoon and it was good to have some company while the shock was still settling in.  It's rather stupid, because from the moment I started this journey I knew that this would be happening and yet the shock of it is no less.  I still feel as though I have been hit by a car.  I'm trying to keep positive but having the date now feels like I'm counting down until my last days.  I shouldn't be thinking that, I should be seeing it as a countdown to my rebirth, the turning point where everything starts looking up and I can enjoy life to the fullest.  The support group on Facebook has been a lifesaver these past couple of days, I really needed the input of people who have been here before to keep me on the straight and narrow.  It's hard to imagine that come christmas I could be half the woman I am today!

These last couple of months have been seriously hectic for us.  Within two weeks we went through two house moves, we moved into our new flat and my parents moved into a beautiful new house.  It was literally non stop for those two weeks and even now things are still not settled down fully.  We are now living in the center of a small town in what is technically called a flat but in truth it is a full blown house.  It covers two floors, has it's own entrance, two bedrooms, a massive kitchen and a sweet little yard area with room for me to grow my own herbs and flowers.  Now that we have been here for over a month we are really happy living here and can see ourselves here for a long time.  Mark can get to work so much easier with the bus stop being just over the road, most every shop you can think of is within walking distance. 

It was my 23rd birthday in April and we celebrated by having my aunt down for a few days which I loved.  I got some lavender and a thyme plant for our new garden , two cookery books, a tea set belonging to my great-grandad and my parents treated me to a day at the salon getting my hair done.  I had about eight inches taken off and now have a cute layered bob hairstyle which is so much easier to manage!  This was hopefully my last fat birthday and yes, I did indulge in a bit of cake but I tried to be good!

Panic seems to be setting into me recently.  I think it was easier to cope when I was going through all the tests because I knew exactly what was happening and what would be happening next.  Now it seems like I don't know anything anymore, I just have to wait for a letter to drop through the door with my date and I will be thrown straight into the final countdown.  I wish I could take a look a year from now and see whether the operation is going to be a success.  I keep worrying that my health will be worse after the operation, that I will be unhappy, that I may not lose weight, that I could die.  My mind is just a swirling hurricane of thoughts, both good and bad.  My depression has been worse recently but I guess that could just be the stress at the moment and I seem to be plagued by nightmares and anxiety in the night.  Sometimes in my dreams I can feel the pain of the surgery and it frightens me.  My eyes have been opened through all these tests and I've realized that I'm actually a lot stronger and more resilient that I had been giving myself credit for but there is still the worry that I won't be able to cope in hospital.  I have gone from being the most needlephobic person I know to someone who will calmly sit in the phlebotomist's chair, offer my arm and shut myself off from the world but I could still go off the rails.  Are they going to treat me well in hospital?  Will they be short tempered with my fears?  Will they just treat me like a piece of meat on the operating table or will I be treated with dignity?  All these questions and no answers, it feels like I'm going insane.

I just want to know that everything is going to be okay.  I just want to know that this is worth it.  I've trawled the internet for before and after pictures and stories and I've read hundreds of them, I know what this surgery can do for people.  I know that it can change lives.  I just want to know that it will change mine for the better.  I'm not thinking of backing out, I just think I've reached that awful point of panic because the time is nearing.  Is anyone even reading this?  Does anyone else know how I'm feeling right now?  I guess I just need to get myself back on a positive track and bear in mind that this is something that I want, and have wanted, for a long time.