For years I have dreamt of being slim and so naturally I have gathered quite a large catalogue of hopes and dreams for when I'm normal.  It's really hard to believe that in a few months I could be on my way to a healthier life and a thinner body.  I've been fat for so long that I don't even know what it feels like to be a regular size so all I can do is imagine and imagining is what is keeping me going.  So here goes my list of weird and wonderful hopes and dreams for the future, in no particular order!

The one thing I have been adamant about doing as soon as I am slim enough is to go to a theme park!  The last time I visited a theme park I was sixteen and was at the point where I was struggling to fit into all of the rides.  I remember once my family and I went on a day trip with my father's work to Lightwater valley and we were all so excited.  The day was going really well until I decided to go on a claw-like contraption, the harnesses were lowered and mine would not clip into place.  The man who was operating the ride came over and spent about five minutes pummeling me into the seat, trying to get the harness to lock.  All of the seats of the ride were in a circle facing each other so I had the sheer embarrassment of about twenty people staring and laughing at me and getting irritated because they wanted the ride to start.  In the end the man asked me to leave the ride and I remember my face burned with the shame of it all.  I would (or will!) love to be able to go to a theme park and not even give a second thought as to whether the harness will fit.  I've missed so many years of visiting theme parks with my family and soon I will be able to join them.

I can't wait to be able to buy clothes from a 'normal' shop.  My sister is at the age now where she is getting really in to fashion and I've spent hours browsing New Look with her, looking for the perfect dress for an occasion or just another statement piece to add to her wardrobe.  I look longingly at the beautiful fabrics, the pinched waists of the dresses, the close fitting trousers and tops.  I see thousands of items I'd love to wear but as I rake my way to the back of the rail looking for my size it's clear that it's way out of my reach.  Even if the designers were stupid enough to make such a beautiful dress in my size the proportions lose all sense as they climb through the clothes sizes.  That beautiful size six dress which hugged every curve becomes a size 26/28 which looks like a marquee with billowing sleeves and is unforgiving on every slight ripple.  I'd love to be able to experiment with my style, I've always been drawn towards vintage pieces but have never been able to enjoy them.  The day I say goodbye to Evans will be the best of my life, goodbye granny fashion!  I can't wait until my husband can buy me clothes as gifts, like any other husband.  I'd like to be able to wear pretty little underwear sets, cute pajamas, skirts and dresses.

I want to be able to blend into a crowd.  For so long I have been the sore thumb in every situation.  The walking freak show, the disgusting sight which draws gasps and scowls from others.  It is so hard to put myself out into a social situation because I know what CAN and most of the time WILL happen.  I've been shouted at in the street, stalked in shops, laughed at in the face by complete strangers.  People point, stare, gasp, talk behind their hands.  Living a day in my shoes would be enough for anyone to crumble.  These people probably think nothing of their actions, it's probably something that they even think is normal or acceptable.  They don't care to think that I have gone through this humiliation all day.  I'm ashamed to admit it but on more than one occasion I have come close to beating people out of sheer frustration and anger.  To be able to board public transport alone, to be able to eat in a restaurant and simply just to take a walk and just pass by people as someone unremarkable would be such a relief.  It's more than I can even comprehend, it's unimaginable, that one day I may be able to live without judgement.

To be proud of myself.  I don't remember the last time I felt proud of myself.  Or the last time I felt worthy.  I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be able to say "you are worth something."  I want to be able to take a compliment and not question it.  I want to be able to introduce myself to others and not worry that they will be shocked by my appearance.  My husband loves me dearly and he constantly tries to encourage me to meet his friends and workmates but I simply can't do it.  I know he isn't ashamed of me, he is proud of me, but I would feel as though I had let him down.  I want to be able to be presented to someone and know in myself that I am worthy of being who I am.  And, someday down the line, I want to rediscover who I am and come to peace with myself because I have beat myself up for so long, tortured my body and mind.  I need to apologise to myself and heal as a person.

There are a million other hopes and dreams that I have for my future, these are just a few things that came pouring out of me and I guess I forgot to mention the most important thing:

Well this month I have had two appointments, one with my lovely dietitian Aimee and one with Mr Wong.  My appointment with Aimee was last week and was made to discuss my pre-op diet and the pureed post-op diet so I am all ready and prepared whenever I get my date for the operation.  As with most appointments I was weighed and was really disappointed to find that I had gained three pounds since September, I personally blame it on Christmas and my lack of motivation recently!  I was told not to worry about the small weight gain but I do need to rein it in so that my operation can go as smoothly as possible.  My pre-op diet will last for two weeks and the main purpose of it is to reduce the size of my liver which will make the surgery more likely to be able to be performed laparoscopically.  When you discuss your pre-op diet you have three choices to choose between:

• The 1000 calorie diet
• Slim-fast diet
• Milk diet

I have chosen to do the milk diet mainly because it's straightforward to follow.  The 1000 calorie diet is extremely strict and you can run into calorie trouble if every ounce of food isn't weighed correctly and I don't want to fork out for slim fast tins.  On the milk diet I will need to drink three pints of milk a day, the dietitian advised me to split the milk allowance into six meals, and I am also allowed two fat free yoghurts.  I will need to take a Bassetts chewable multi-vitamin and drink plenty of water.  I am completely aware of how difficult these two weeks are going to be but I understand how imperative it is to the success of the laparoscopic surgery.  It's just one of the hurdles I will have to jump in order to get healthy.

Yesterday I had my appointment with Mr. Wong.  It was at 4.05 and as usual I was painfully early so had to spend quite a bit of time nursing a cappuccino in Costa and mulling over the questions that I was going to ask Mr. Wong.  The waiting room on corridor B was absolutely packed and it was obvious that my appointment was going to be late but I'm quite content with people watching.  I saw a large woman join the mass of people waiting and we exchanged a knowing glance at each other, I wonder what stage she is at or if I will ever come across her again.  I was weighed by a nurse and was pleasantly surprised to find that I had lost 5.5 lbs!  More waiting ensued and an hour after my appointment slot I was ushered into a room to wait for Mr. Wong.  I sat on the examination bed, swinging my legs off the edge, and waited for him to arrive.  Mr. Wong is simply one of those rare people who put you at ease with just a smile, a genuine warm person who takes pleasure in his job.  He gave me a firm handshake and we settled down to a casual discussion about which surgery I wanted.  He filled in a consent form with all the risks of the gastric bypass surgery and we both signed it, I will sign another on the day of the surgery but Mr. Wong likes people to know what's on the consent form before the day.  We discussed my concerns about blood clots and he reassured me that they would do everything possible to prevent them and as long as I follow their advice to the letter I should be alright.

Mr. Wong then examined my tummy and showed me where the incisions would be.  He was very positive that I should be able to have my surgery laparoscopically but you never know for certain until you look inside.  After this he said he would list me and that I would see him on the day of my surgery, and off he went!  That's it, I'm finally on my way!  Eighteen weeks maximum!  A nurse came in and swabbed my nose, throat and underarms for MRSA and then I was allowed to go home.

I know that I am deeply, deeply excited for the future and what this operation will bring to my life.  The changes that it will make will be unimaginable, I almost can't even visualise what it will be like.  The fear of the surgery is starting to gnaw at me though and last night I found my mind constantly wandering to the day of the surgery and how frightened I am going to be.  I kept seeing myself crying on the operating table, scared I will never see my family again and even, stupidly, telling the doctors to guide them to a good bereavement councillor if something goes wrong!  I know it's normal to be afraid and I guess I know the closer to the time it gets, the more frightened I will be.  For these next eighteen weeks, or however long it ends up being, I need to focus on getting my strength and fitness up and my weight down, if only a little bit.  I want to be in the best shape possible for this surgery, I want to make sure that I have the best chance possible.